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the 3rd, 9:03 pm]
there's just something about...

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...a girl and her pony

this journal is not friends only. some entries are. if you are going to read it, i would appreciate a comment, just letting me know who you are, how you found me, and why you want to read my journal.

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health poll [Thursday
the 1st, 6:07 pm]
this is really just for me, but feel free to make your own if you like the idea! i'm going to add this (behind a cut) to my lj entries every day in 2008! it is part of my GOAL (i hate the word 'resolution') to be healthier this year.

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the 9th, 9:54 pm]
i'm doing ok
working too much
but i need the money
and i love my residents
there is no doubt in my mind that nursing is what i want to do
so at least i have that

havent talked to phil
because he has asked me to leave him alone for now
i miss him
but this is what i need right now
i just wish i had done it without hurting him and treating him the way i did

every time i hear that song 'over you' by daughtry i cry
i hear the words and all i can think of is phil saying them to me
what if he moves on and finds someone new before i am ready to be with him?
i still cant see myself in a future without him
but i also couldnt see myself ever being without him, and here i am

i'm out of shape
i'm not riding or even visiting tipsy enough

i have absolutely nobody to hang out with in vermont
so i go to NH a lot
and when i'm home i read harry potter and tan

but life is ok

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the 19th, 10:09 pm]
so here i am.

i'm single. i cheated on phil one too many times. he ended things. and i know that this time it is for real. i havent really let myself think about it or cry yet. i'm sure i'll break down at some point.

i'm just going through the motions. working as much as they ask me to and sleeping when im not at work.

i havent even gone out to see my horse in a week. today i was off but it was raining and i was just so exhausted.

i need therapy but i dont know how to tell my mom that. she thinks i am doing so well.

i might not really use lj anymore, we'll see. but if you unfriend me i wont be offended. for now i am just here. i'm not good, but i'm not that bad.

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the 14th, 9:54 am]
i hope you know, i HOPE you know
that this has nothing to do with you
it's personal
myself and i, we got some straightening out to do

and i'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
but i gotta get a move on with my life
it's time to be a big girl now
and big girls don't cry...

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the 11th, 11:48 am]
i've not been on here in forever
i need to quit drinking and get my shit together
then i'll be back

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the 18th, 8:02 pm]
tipsy is lame again. i feel like crying. pam is taking her to Tuft's on saturday and they are going to do a complete diagnostic series on her, treadmill and u/s and everything. the best part; i dont have to pay! since she's in the lesson program, and THIS bout of lameness started while she was at the school's barn, the school will pay for all of this

but i cannot even be happy about that. i am just so worried about my pony. all i can think about is her being scared and alone in a huge new barn thinking i have abandoned her. it will be over in a week and she will get to come back home, but for that one whole week, i do not want her to be scared but i know she will be. i wish i could tell her what was going on and that she will be coming back to me in the end.

great, now i am crying.

i just love tipsy so much; it is so hard to explain. in my life she has been the one constant, since i was 13. she was there when i was learning how to ride, when i quit riding, when i came back, when i went through a rough spot in high school, when i started college, my first horse show, my first hearbreak... she has been my first responsibility and she really is my best friend. i would sooner lose most human friends than her. and its not like im losing her, but in the back of my mind is the thought 'what if there is something really wrong with her?' 'what if i cannot afford the treatment she needs?' 'what if i have to stop riding her?' it makes my stomach hurt and my chest feel tight.

i spent some time working on my paper for research
i am going to really try to spend 2 hours each night on at least ONE of my papers
school is seriously stressing me out

i havent gone to the gym or done anything active other than riding. part of me wants to just say 'fuck it, be like everyone else and don't care' but then i look in the mirror and think 'keep going fatass!' i'm signing up for spin tomorrow. she always gets my ass motivated!

so yeah--the tl;dr version: pony is lame, school sucks and i'm fat.

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excuse me while i become a terrible lj friend [Monday
the 17th, 8:39 pm]
i am overwhelmed with school
i have 3 papers due this week
and i have not been finding the time to do my reading for class
i have not been studying
i have not been doing much of anything
so i will be spending less time of livejournal in the next few weeks
dont give up on me or leave, i WILL be back
but right now i just need to focus on school

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the 16th, 8:06 pm]
so i took off like 5 days from livejournal
but this weekend has been fabulous

the riding team came back to school on thursday
we spent all day thurs and all day fri at the barn riding
thurs we all went out for pizza and a movie
and then we partied at one of the girl's houses

then saturday was our show
i was only planning on showing on the flat
but i was entered in fences
we were going to scratch but then i said i'd do it just for practice
i wasnt point rider, so if i failed it wouldnt hurt the team
i owned!
first place; and there were 7 in my class!
holy shit, i literally had tears in my eyes

then on the flat i failed miserably
i kept my cool, but my horse was awful
bolting, spinning, bucking
wrong lead, broke at the canter, kept trotting when we were supposed to walk
i did what i could
and Pam said she was proud of me
so i wasnt too heartbroken over not getting a ribbon
as a team we came in 2nd

this week was great because our team really bonded
we were all so supportive and had fun
i am so so excited for next year now
we have such a strong team!
and i really feel like these girls are my friends
which means the world to me

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the 12th, 10:32 am]
so this is pathetic, but i dont care
last night i watched True Life: I want the perfect body
and this girl started out with a body just like mine
and in 3 months, she was placing in fitness competitions
after 4 weeks there were visual changes
that is what i want!
so i am going to do it
i am making a workout plan today
and i am going to STICK TO IT!

in other news;
i am almost broke but i have a WORKING, SAFE car
WITH a stereo!
i spent about $800 on getting this car fixed up
and i LOVE it!

i go back to school tomorrow
just the riding team is coming back early
we are going to ride all day thurs and fri
and then we have a show on sat
i am riding over fences and on the flat
and i'm already qualified for REGIONALS this year
so so so excited
if i made it to zones, and nationals, oh my god
i'm getting ahead of myself
im going to just take it one show at a time

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the 8th, 4:58 pm]
so i'm going through old pics, and i just dug up this:
look at that pony MOVE!
this makes me really want to get back into dressage, she has some serious talent.
and this was 2 years ago, before i had any clue how to ride her.
(hence the short reins and 'bottled up' expression and position of her neck)
if i asked her for that now... DAMN!

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the 7th, 9:16 pm]
wow. i can really hold my alcohol these days. on saturday rach, katie and i polished off a handle of malibu. last night rach and i had a bottle of wine, a fifth of malibu AND 1/2 a fifth of vodka. needless to say, we were SO drunk. but it was a really fun night. we hung out with some new people, and laughed so much my abs hurt today. i've put a lot of thought into it; but i DO NOT think that i have a drinking problem. i never feel like i need to drink; i'll say 'i need a drink' but i dont honestly NEED it. i dont drink alone. i dont drink any more than the people i'm hanging out with. i know my limit. i dont drink myself sick. i can control myself when i'm drunk.

i am being careful and keeping tabs on myself, because of my family history and my past. but at this point, i truly believe that i do not have a problem. i'm in college and i just like to have fun.

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the 5th, 4:07 pm]
what the fuck. tell me if i am being unreasonable here. i was talking to phil earlier. i was upset, because i was offered a FREE trip to texas by my school, to go to a nursing student convention. it would involve missing a week of classes which i dont feel like i can do. so i turned the trip down.

phil said that maybe this summer after i get out of school we could go on a trip together. i would LOVE that. he then went on to say that he would want to bring his 17 year old brother. when i told him i would rather it be just me and him he got mad.

i dont have an issue with phil's brother, but if i am going to spend the money to go on a vacation, i want it to be for phil and i to have some time alone. phil says we still will get alone time because we will get a seperate room. WTF. NOT what i meant.

then phil told me i am a selfish bitch and he hung up on me. i feel like our relationship is falling apart, and i feel like he has no interest in trying to keep us together.

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the 2nd, 12:04 am]
i hate it when i'm drunk and everyone passes out before i'm even tired. or maybe they arent even passed out; just ignoring me. whatever, it's cool. i'll be drunk by myself.

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the 29th, 11:03 am]
woo! i just busted my ass at the gym. i did shoulders, chest, back, biceps and triceps, abs, butt, hams, calves and then i did 1 mile on the track. i can't make the whole mile; its weird, i find a mile on the track much harder than 2-3 miles on the treadmill or 5 miles on the elliptical. but i'm doing a new interval thing. my track is 10 laps=1 mile. so i walk a lap and then alternate between jogging and running. by the last 2 laps i had to walk, but my goal will be to run the whole thing, slowly working my way up from jog/run/jog/run to jog/run/run/jog/run/run etc.

health pollCollapse )

i'll update this later but so far today i have had 2 (!) croissants and a coffee with 1/2 & 1/2.

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the 28th, 8:52 pm]
nothing puts me in a bad mood like campus snow removal. it is a complete shit show. they post what time they are plowing each lot, and your car can't be in the lot while they are plowing or they tow it. but they always get way behind schedule. and cars are parked everywhere blocking roads, so when you do try to move your car there is nowhere to go. and they always schedule snow removal for the days after clinical, when i am already tired and have homework due at 8am the next morning. so there's my rant.

clinical was good today though. and i lifted weights at the gym, in the guy's section. i got weird looks, but i ignored them, it really wasnt that bad. and i hope that eventually they just get used to me being over there. honestly; i cannot be the only girl that lifts weights in my gym!

health pollCollapse )

now that i think about it, i really didnt eat much at all today.

oatmeal, some cheez-its, a (small) piece of cake, peanut butter crackers, triscuits with cheese, baked ziti, broccoli and potatoes.

well, i think i'll start posting what i eat in here too; i never commit to actually writing it down in a notebook.

tomorrow is friday! i might get drunk; it will be the first time in like 3+ weeks. but before i drink i am going to the gym to lift again!

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the 27th, 3:04 pm]
i have no motivation! all i want to do is eat fatty foods and watch tv. this is not good. i am getting so close to the intense part of the semester; i NEED to have energy.

i signed up for spin class tonight; so i will go. but i need to find some way to hold myself accountable. i dont know. but this is frustrating.

health pollCollapse )

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the 25th, 7:36 pm]
today i
-got my new car! 1995 VW Passat (it even has reverse!)
-went to FAHC for a LNA Extern fair (i'm hoping i get hired!)
-got an email from DHMC saying they want to interview me for a summer Externship
-got my clinical assignment for tomorrow; my prof is bumping me up to 2 patients!
-did NOT go to the gym; i'll start tomorrow (i still worked out in my room with 5lb weights)

i'm happy and doing well.

health pollCollapse )

yeah... not so hot with my goals, which is why i pulled out the dumbells in my dorm room tonight. but tomorrow is a clinical day; i'm always good on those days!

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the 24th, 9:26 am]
i'm in VT for the weekend again. im staying with phil. last night we had dinner at my dad's, and tonight we are going to my mom's for dinner and her BIRTHDAY celebration!

i've been doing a lot of research on exercise. i have decided that my best bet right now will be to decrease my cardio, increase my protein intake, and focus on building muscle. I have designed a weight lifting program for the next few weeks. i am excited to start this; i really want to have muscular definition.

but i am also intimidated. this means i will be spending most of my workouts in the free weight section (aka the guy's section) of my gym. i will be starting with 8-10 pound weights; these guys do like 25+lbs weights. but i am just going to do it. eventually, i'll be able to lift 25+lbs too!

so here we go; Wren the bodybuilder. hah.

so here's my weekly plan:

MON: upper body weights
TUES: lower body weights
WED: cardio/abs
THURS: upper body weights
FRI: lower body weights
SAT: cardio/abs

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the 21st, 9:46 pm]
health pollCollapse )

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